Date:	2006-09-27 18:38
Subject:	Update!
Security:	Public
Mood:	hopeful
Music:	the dog growling

so i was sorta excited to find that i still have my livejournal. I was kinda worried, since i hadn't been here in like forever, due to the fact that a) i still do not have a computer at home and b) myspace kinda took over my world for a minute...ok took over my world sounds crazy. It's more due to a). So very much has changed since my last writting, which i see as a good thing since the first line on my last entry was "Cracked the fuck out". First of all I no longer have to deal with being cracked out because, well you have to do drugs to be cracked out, and i don't anymore, not saying that i never will, but with school, a steady girlfriend and friends who also have decided not to party anymore it just dosen't seem to happen all that often. Not only have the ammount of drugs i consume gone down greatly, today marks day 6 of not smoking. I know, day 6 isn't all that impressive in the big picture, but it's big for me. Reading my last couple of post, made me a little sad, but kinda happy at the same time. Seems to me that I've come a ways in the last year or so. I have an apartment with Jen, we are getting married, I'm going to school and actually going to class, and doing the homework, and getting good grades. Suprising i know. I still do not have a job, but i do all the house stuff, and take care of the little woman, so it's a system that seems to work for both of us. So yeah, thought i would update...

Date:	2005-12-26 20:01
Subject:	oh my dear lord
Security:	Public
Mood:	drained

cracked the fuck out. don't know what to do with my self. I just spent the last 3 days doing nothing but partying and vegging. This does not seem like a good sign to me. Lost my job, spent my entire last pay check to do e for 3 days. God was this a long fucking weekend. I know what's going to happen once I wake up tomorrow and I don't want to face it. I hate, looking for a job. I think i actually hate it more than anyone else in the world. How the fuck did I possibilly end up here. Nine months ago, I had done e maybe twice in my life, maybe. Over the course of last week, let's see I rolled on monday, wednesday, friday, saturday, and sunday. Dude it's like a motherfucking work schedule. This isn't me, this isn't who I am. Or is it, see that's the problem I really don't know. But I have set a goal, a lame goal, but i think if i'm able to do it it'll at least show me that I can function, without drugs. No e untill the big 22. If even then. God I even fucked around on jen this week. That's not what I want to do. I want to be with her. I did because the oppurtunity was presented to me, she wants an open realtionship then that's exactly what I will give her. God I can't even remember what I'm writting or why I'm writting for that matter. All I know is that I e-tarded, good lord, I took five last night, more than I ever have, and it didn't even really do all that motherfucking much. Let's see this week I have done, 1 on monday, 2 and a half or 3 on wednesday, 3 on friday, 4 on saturday, and 5 on sunday. Jesus fucking h christ. Just about 16 pills. 20 bucks a pop, 320 on pills, mother fuck.

Date:	2005-12-11 18:49
Subject:	Been a while...
Security:	Public
Mood:	blah
Music:	L Word Season 2, Finale

Never being home really limits my computer usage. Guess I could go home more but it's just not as chill as i'd like. Things are going alright, i suppose. I'm going back to school next semster (good job me!) alisha and i are taking a class or two together so that'll be good, hopefully she'll keep me on my shit. A new girlfriend has come into play. What can i say about jen? Well, we've only officaily been dating for a couple of weeks, but we've been fucking for the last four months. Only thing that's really changed in the whole thing is calling each other honey, or babe. I do really like her. However, shitly, i know i like her more than she likes me. We actually talked about this the other night. A large part of her not liking me as much is the fact that she is tottally in love with her best friend. Her best friend for the last 7 years, who also happens to be married (but gay, they went to hawaii and got it offical). I knew this coming into dating her. Anna (jen's best friend) has told me however that she doesn't see jen that way, and even if she were to leave nicole (who by the way is a crazy bitch) she wouldn't get with jen. But jen just doesn't see it that way. She says, she could see being really happy with me, but she doesn't want to drag me along, because if anna were to someday in the far or near future (yeah right) want her, she would choose her over me. Which i suppose i understand, but I'm not asking to marry the girl, I'm just asking to date her and to see what could happen. I talked to Anna about this (minus the jen being in love with her bit) and she said that jen just takes a while to open up and let someone in. Anna by the way is a super awsome person i completly understand why Jen loves her. So right now we are kinda shaky...but still only a few weeks in. I am so torn as to stay or leave. Speaking of which i'm no longer going to seattle. I'm not ready. I have to get back into school. Plus as much as i love the people i would be moving with they are in a completly diffrent place in there life than I am. All of them are older than me, like by 5 or 6 years, and they like to work and get fucked up, end of story. I could so easily get sucked down by that cycle then realize I'm thrity, with a shitty ass job and a fried brain. Even now i'm getting sucked in, not that i'm blaming anyone else but me, but those bitches party and party hard fucking core, coke, e, weed, oxy, meth, lots of drinking. It's fun to visit that place once and a while but i seem to be fucked up more than i'm sober lately. I'm fucking up at work, friday i did a no call, no show. Who the fuck knows what's going to happen to me when i go into work tomorrow morning. Sad thing is i don't even think i care. Have you ever wondered how you became who you are. Do you ever feel like you are acting out someone eles' life and struggling to get back to your own? I did e on wednesday, friday, and e and coke on saturday. What the motherfucking hell, who am i? I don't have this money. Two weeks ago I worked a whopping 2 hours out of my 50 hour week cause i just felt so god damn shitty. I don't know. To much rambling on. Hopefully going back to school will help me get back on track. I'm still gonna work too (if i still have a job that is) so i'll have to manage my time well. Plus Jen seems supportive and alisha and mer are both in school (mer's graduating next may, yeah for her!) so we can all study and stuff like that together. Not much else going on. I gotta get some sleep tonight. I was up all night on coke and i have yet to go to bed. Drugs are to damn easily gotten in this town. And my dear lord does that shit get expensive. I wrote a note to jen (how high school right?) about how i still want to be with her, even though i know it may not be forever. I'm nervous about giving it to her because a) well i wrote some pretty serious stuff on there, and b) cause it's a note, and i so think jen will see it as my age (9 year age diffrence and all). Hopefully she'll stop by tonight, i haven't really seen her the last few days. God i am such a woman sometimes, belly-aching over her not seeing me. I hate being sprung hardcore when the other person's not. Ahhh!! FUck the motherfuck.

Well time to look at classes. Wish me luck.

so i guess my body finally got sick of me fucking it over one weekend after another and now i am at home with pnemonia. This fucking sucks. i can't work, i can't play and i can barely stand. I don't think i've ever been this sick. luckily, i have until monday to get better. my head hurts, my teeth hurt, my stomach hurts, and mostly i cough for hours on end.

Shitty, shitty, shitty.

Date:	2005-09-11 22:01
Subject:	depleted, drained, dead
Security:	Public
Mood:	bleh...
Music:	nada

Last night and most of this morning i partied the shit outta myself. I can't think, i can't really move, and i wish i hadn't spent all that money last night on all those drugs. Yeah all those as in not just pot, not just e, but a couple lines of coke to top it off. Plus a shit load of booze. I worry about me a lot lately. With the massive drug use, on top of fucking every one who hints to it. I'm fucking robin again. even though she has a girlfriend. as well as a make out buddie. and now me a fuck buddie. She' right she has changed the woman i was going to marry would never dreamed of cheating. THank god i got out of it in the nick of time. Fuck her new blonde, 19 year old girlfriend. She still tells me she loves me and misses me. She still says that she sees me as her wife. She rips my heart in two then fucks me. What an awful fucking situation i'm in. On the other hand, I'm fucking daniyal and her big black cock, not because i like her, or miss her, or think i'm made a huge mistake breaking up wiht her, but because she fucks me hard, and even though she still loves me, i'm completly over looking that to get raw satisfaction for myself. Then there's jen. sees gone but i kinda miss her. Almost like i like her. i think she's starting to like me too. The day she left, she stopped by my work just to make she i was coming over for her last night in town. After she had already left for the airport and while waiting for her plane to come in, she called me to make sure i had woken up. I belive she answered the phone with goodmorning beautiful. And finally once she had arrived in king salmon she called just to let me know she was safe and that she'd see me when she got back, and that she was heading off tomorrow but would try to call me while she was there. To me those things sound more girlfriendish than fuck buddieish. OH well. you can tell i'm fucked cause i went from topic to topic.
GOnna stop before my head breaks.

Date:	2005-09-02 09:40
Subject:	sweet sweet jen
Security:	Public
Mood:	a little devilish
Music:	Natashia Bedingfield (Drop me in the middle)

so i have finally found the perfect situation and it was living in my best friends house for the last six months.

jen. jen the thrity year old butch dyke that lets me fuck her brains out everynight without that stupid commitment thing. She's a sex fiend, which seeing as i am also one works perfectly into my life. we fuck two or three times a day but she dosen't get upset when i don't call her. how fucking perfect is that. She rocks my socks off in bed (probably the TEN years of extra experience she has under her belt), and she knows how to strap that shit on! Plus she lives with three of my favorite people, alisha, meredith, and their brand new roomate, Ariel. So i fuck jen, then go hang out with ariel and alisha. Perfect perfect perfect. And to top off this perfectness, i can finally say i've fisted a girl. YEah that some good good stuff. I have yet to name the situation in which we are partaking. Fuck buddy kinda works, but a lot of the time, when we aren't in bed we still cuddle on the couch or hold hands. Meh, fuck labels, i love it.

Awww...

i love fucking

god damn

Date:	2005-07-19 00:16
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	proud of myself for once
Music:	Tegan and Sarah...again!

So i made an executive decision tonight.

I'm moving to seattle with cortney, amber, and paul.

Only seems right as I am in this rut being here in alaska.

So yeah, January, Seattle, I'm thinking it'll be good for me to get out.

Now all i have to do is start saving mad money, lose a 100 million pounds, and figure out how to transfer.

Maybe the girl i will fall madly in love with will be there, ready to sweep me off my feet and not even know it yet.

Yeah for finally making a real decision in my life.

Scared, excited, uncertain, worried, happy.

Wish me luck.

Date:	2005-07-17 23:50
Subject:	blah
Security:	Public
Mood:	bedbed time
Music:	Living Room- Tegan and Sara (The Lesbian twin group)

You know what's worse than being single? being in love with someone who doesn't and never will be in love with you and single. Seriously I think about her like 90% of the time. since when do i get soo wrapped up in a girl that i know i have no chance with? stupid i know. EVERYONE is telling me how stupid i am. EVERYONE is sick of hearing it. AND EVERYONE flinches when we do stupid stuff like get drunk and start shot gunnin' hits to one another, and then start making out a lil' (last night). I touched her cooch through a hole in her jeans last night and almost ripped em off. But seriously it's not about sex. It's about the fact that i want to really get to know her, on like a only information you share with your girlfriend sorta status. I want her to feel the same way as I do. Why can't i get her outta my head and get some head from some random chick. Cock's the only way. Girls= drama BOys= shitty lay, but a lay none the less. Gotta get her outta my head before i do something stupid and she never talks to me again (like tell her i love her). GOD DAMNIT!



Off subjet and happy. Hung out with lane tonight. Love him to death. Odd way to find him though. Chris stops by says going to call of the wild with this guy from kaladi's his name's lane. I freak out and go with him. We hang out, have fun, and his bum ass better call me soon so we can do it all again.

P.S.
Ahh booze how i have loved you this weekend.
Friday- Myrna's (sad when you know the id checker enough to walk in with out your i.d) Ohhh, and just me and cortney went (haha)
Saturday- Coot's (yeah for 3 dance floors) amber, paul, wendy, cortney, and suzeanna
Sunday- Call of the wild/ bear tooth (mmmm...hard apple ale)

Monday. Work. Boo.

Date:	2005-06-13 02:22
Subject:	Wishing I had someone NOT involved with the situation in my life to talk to...fuckin' alisha and meg
Security:	Public
Mood:	FRUSTRATED!!
Music:	Track 6, Jimmie's Chicken Shack, on repeat

Why did this have to happen? God, I'm so sad. It's like she broke up with me even though nothing had yet to happen. Ok so backstory. I've liked cortney from the begining. She a cool girl who i would love to be with. However, we never had a time when one or both of us were single. That time came last friday. Renee (dumb bitch) broke up with cortney, and of course I'm still in my sadly single state. So from last friday till now there has been some really really hardcore flirting. I'm talking shotgunin' hits (with a little kiss at the end of course) to touching each other inapproperatly when no one was looking. Plus we have talked about hookin' up since (again) pretty much since I'm know her. Anyways. Last night we kissed. Very innocent, no tounge but we kissed goodnight with promises of more kissing tonight. Tonight, we flirt. We touch. We shotgun. Couple hours into the night, she's like come have a talk with me. So of course i do. Basically she says she too likes me (yeah!) BUT she doesn't wanna get involved in a relationship cause she isn't ready, she's leaving in six months, and she just had three bad relationships in a row, mostly though it's the friendship thing. She doesn't want to end our friendship and enter into that other realm. (Boo... ;() Hey but at least she still likes me. At least that came out of the evening. That made me feel good, but bad when she said nothing would happen. Fuck i guess it could've been worse she could've told me that she didn't like me at all and was just messing around the whole time. Oh, oh oh, and get this (sorta off subject but ok) Alisha and Megan (my good? friends) told her today that I liked her and that's what prompted all this in-depth thought about whether we should satrt hooking up on a reg basis. i was prefectly fine (lie) about just hooking up and not getting invloved (BIG lie). Whatever I'm sure it's for the best. LOve her as a friend, and with time I'm sure I'll get over liking her as much as I do (i don't think i've ever crushed on someone this hard, I don't dooo crushes, that actually are real). Guess I shouldn't be this sad, I mean Kim's still in the ICU, guess I should be focusing on sending her good vibes. I wanna tell myself that this is for the best, but even when I tell myself I don't believe it. BUt it's fresh. Things change. She'll always be in my heart. Oh oh oh, and she said the cutest thing (before crashing my world) she said she couldn't wake up to me and wrap her arms around me without wanting to be with me. Awww, sad, but so cute. Guess it's lay-low time (yeah right). Seriously if I don't find HER (the one) soon I'm getting married to a man...prephaps chris, he does have a good health insurance policy. Ti's fresh, I'm tired, I'm buzzed. It'll look better tommorrow. Right?

Date:	2005-06-07 17:47
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	not knowing what to do

So here i am at the hospitle for the second day in a row. The room were we all sit is starting to drive me crazy. It's small it's cold there are no clocks, no radio no nothing. It's filled with sadness. I sure many a familes before have sat in it having the same thoughts that we are all having wondering if she's gonna make it. She being Kim. Kim, what can i really say about kim. She was an awesome awesome girl with a lot of problems. An alcholic from 13, a girl that could out party any of us. And she's only 19. I lived with Kim, when she and alisha were together. I partied with kim, I watched her quit drinking and become a much much diffrent person. This is her third time here in the last 4 months or so. Third fucking time trying to take her own life. This time she might have done it for good. Taking 85 tyleno pm's can really fuck up your liver on it own but seeing how she's fucked up her liver already they just don't know what's going to happen. It's scary seeing her. A hundered million tubes in her, blood dripping from the side of her month. She can't talk, she can't open her eyes, she can't even breath for herself right now. If her lungs completly give out they are going to take her off life support, and she will slowly fade away. Her left hand is white and her fingernails are blue from lack of oxygen. They might have to cut it off to save her life. There really hasn't been good news for the past three days. I go in , I talk to her, I put my hand in hers and sometimes she squezzes it, but i don't know, that could simply be a reaction to the drugs she's on or the machines that are keeping her alive. I don't know how to properly make alisha feel better. Actually, I don't even know what i'm typing. I just had to get some of it out before I explod. I'm sure as time goes on I'll write more.

Date:	2005-04-18 23:41
Subject:	It's getting better all the time...
Security:	Public
Mood:	cheerful

SO today wasn't as bad as yesterday. Everyday this whole breaking up thing is getting easier and I've decided to write about it cause well I'm just proud of myself. Mad props to me. Outlook for tomorrow is good as well. Rockin' Tabasco.

So I was dumb. I believed in the kindness of the girl I had planned to spend the rest of my life with and she screws me over once again. Yeah so I got back together with her, after she swore up and down that this time it would be diffrent, this time she would try, this time we could work it out so that we could start up where we left off. 5 days into this promise, she breaks it off AGAIN. Fuck her. FUck her for fucking with my head and breaking my heart for another time. I tried so hard to get back to where we were I tried my ass off this time, but even before her breaking it off, I felt like I was the only one trying. Everyone was right. I don't know how to make my own life choices because when I did I just got screwed up the ass again. I didn't wanna tell anyone because I was so ashamed at myself for not trying hard enough. Eventually though, she did get brought up in conversation, and while sitting at Bear Tooth with Chris, Kels, and NutMeg I told them my story of woe. They all took it much diffrently than I thought they would though. I assumed I would be nagged and dissed and given the "I told you so" talk and look. BUt low and behold, I got comfort. They were nice. They actually just said they are sorry, and they care about me and all those warm fuzzy things. Having friends like that make the crying for the last couple days almost OK. I wish she hadn't hurt me. I told her that if she wasn't serious I didn't want to go through it again. She lied. It really is suprising how much you learn about a person when you aren't really with them. She wasn't the woman I fell in love with. She wasn't the woman I saw a future with. I didn't even know who she was anymore (as lame and movie-line-like as it is). I'm pissed off with her but really when it comes right down to it I'm pissed off at myself. I thought I was smarter than that. I thought I could she through bullshit. I starting to believe that I was just a week long booty call. Just used for ass than cast aside. I guess what goes around comes around. I feel awful. I want to scream, cry, and vanish all in the same second. Maybe I have never been right about any girl I've been with. Maybe I haven't really even been in love with them. Obviously, no other girl has stuck around. So maybe it's me and not them. I will not claim I am unlovable, but maybe romantic goooy mushy love it not what I am made for. Maybe good friend and family is what's in store for me. Maybe I just don't try hard enough. I want to call her and ask her why. Why she felt it necessary for her to burn me twice. Wasn't once enough. Didn't she get her fill the first time around. BUt I know she won't have an answer just like before. A few years ago I thought I was the shit, cause no one had even had the nerve to break up with me. I was always the first one. I thought I had power in past relationships but maybe I have been going about this dating thing all wrong. Usually when I break up with someone I would be all gun-ho to get out there and try again. BUt not this time. This time I can't even think about another woman touching me. Saying empty promises to me and acting like they care. It makes me feel sick just thinking about laying beside someone BUt then again that could be a good thing. Maybe I do need to take a break and figure out what I really want. But untill two days ago what I wanted was her. I wanted to be her girlfriend, to be her wife I wanted to show her how I've changed in the time we were apart and bring back that spark that seemed so perfect when we were together. i know not many people saw it or for that matter believed it but we fit. She picked up where I left off. And (not to get too personal) in the bedroom I connected with her on a level I didn't even know about. I felt safe with her, especially safe with the way she would treat my body. She loved every inch, all of them. I suppose though I am just rambling on, and not even sure what I'm talking about. I'm just hurt, and I don't really have the ability to really express it in words even given the chance if I were to be expressing it to her. Her voice makes me cry. ANd now I'm drunk and high, and whatever else and so I think my emotions have just been hightened to higher level.

However on a strange note. Driving home from cortney's, fucked up, I was stopped at a stop sign, then countined to drive forward. Two second later I I see lights in my rear view. Shit I'm thinking I'm screwed. LIke super screwed even I know I shouldn't be driving screwed. I pull over and thank god the cop passes me. THe bitch was just flipping on his lights so he could speed past me (I was going to speed limit...I know this for a fact). Why do cops have to be bitches like that and scare the shit outta me just to abuse their power. On second thought this is kinda a lame story. My Bad.

On an up note in my "improving myself so she'll take me back" kick I got a job. I am now a certified Pharmacy Tech. Job seems preety pimp and pushing pills around all day making 11.00 an hour isn't all that bad. Can't wait for my first check cause then I can pay my very very very late credit card bills. Plus whatever I have over will go into the Mryna's fund (getting drunk off my ass). Yeah me for getting a job. Oh yeah and this job thing is kinda fun-sad. So Megan calls me and is like "Come with me to this job fair CARRS is putting on, bring an apt" so I do we both have interviews, and we both get the second interview (a math test). THe next day when we take the math test I pass it with flying colors (only missed one) Megan however misses 11. Yeah way below the allotted ammount that you are allowed to miss. I felt bad being all happy when she was so sad and she was the one who a) found the job listing b) drove me to interview 1 c) drove me to the math test and d) acting excited for me through her tearing up eyes. I wish she had gotten it as well. It's hard to be happy when she was so sad.

Also another note. Kels and Megan are moving to the valley the first of next month. Although it's not like they're moving outta state, seeing them is going to be harder and harder. They are moving (if you can believe this) in the boonies of Wasilla. Wasilla already far, then to get to thier new house it's like 30 minutes longer...errr crazy rednecks. BUt whatever they are happy and I'm happy for them. Buying a house together is a huge step that amazes me she 22 he's 20. How can people so close to my age know that they are ready for this. Mad props to both of them.

I suppose that's it for now. This post turned to be longer than I thought I would have but oh well. I'm going to bed and hopefully not waking up with a scream hangover.

I love you all.

Night.

Date:	2005-04-04 20:48
Subject:	Friends?
Security:	Public
Mood:	annoyed

I'm not feeling very in control of my life right now and I hate it. Those nearest and dearest to me are almost dictating what I do and when I do it. Perhaps it's just friendliness and I shouldn't feel upset by it but I do for some reason. For example, almost every morning, at least three people call to see what I'm doing, usually this conversation turns into why are you a bum and why don't you have a job yet (they put this a lot nicer but you get the point). Alisha wants me to get a job so she can avoid having to move in with Meredith (which is a damn good thing), Megan wants me to get a job so I can get a cell phone because she hates calling my mom's house and Kels wants me to get a job so I can be independent of everyone who is now currently helping me. Now don't get me wrong is not like I don't want a job, it just bugs me when someone checks in on my progress every couple hours. Plus I can no longer just leave when I want due to the fact that my mom got a job and now instead of her and Lilly sharing a car, me and Lilly have to. Bumming rides just lets my friends have more control over where I'm going and what I'm doing. Problem two. They all are telling me NOT to date, and that I should be alone because I need time to think things over and grow as a person. This was funny to me in the begining but now it's just like listening to a broken record. I get scorned for even looking at girls. "You need time to grow!" they all scream. Ok I get it. And since I'm on the subject of bitching everyone out I am sick and tired of them calling robin a bitch or a cunt or whatever word they feel is appropriate to put her down. I don't hate her. I don't even dis-like her. I care about her still. She is still my friend. Again with the ditacting. Sunday night I showed up to the L word with her and I got an hour talking to. FUCK off people. It's my life. I will be friends with those who I feel should be my friends. I am not dumb, I am not a fuck up, or a whore that will sleep with anyone who is willing. I am able to control my own life without the help of other people. Not that I don't love them all, I am just getting a little sick and tired of the bossing around. Here howerver I am able to bitch and moan as much as I see fit and they will never be the wiser. Love them to pieces, but I wanna kill them all.

Date:	2005-04-02 01:00
Subject:	Hahaha...
Security:	Public
Mood:	Devlish
Music:	Over and Over Again (Timmy and Nelly)

A secert lover...hahaha...

Nobody knows but me and her...

hahaha...

Date:	2005-03-31 11:40
Subject:	Dreams...
Security:	Public
Mood:	Tired from not sleeping
Music:	Honey whinning...

Never in my life have I had really angry dreams where I just bet the shit outta people. This is starting to scare me. Ok, I'll be honest it's not people it's one person. Robin. I would never hurt her, but these dreams they wake me up feeling disturped beyond anything. I can't sleep after having these dreams. They are coming on a more and more fequent basis. What kind of wicked person am I to have dreams where I beat the shit outta someone I love. I mean yeah I'm pissed as hell with her and hurt worse than I ever have felt in a realtionship, but wanting to beat her up just isn't how I really feel. I want them to stop. I want her to stop being a bitch-slut-skank-whore and realize she's dumb and made an even dumber decision. Maybe if she stops, they'll stop.

Date:	2005-03-04 14:06
Subject:	My, my, my it's been a long time...
Security:	Public
Mood:	what the fuck?
Music:	Screaming in my head...fuck.

It's been so long that I'm not even sure how to even write anymore. See writing used to be my output whether it be on livejournal to share my thoughts, or in some random journal somewhere. I don't think I've written to just write in like a year. So what brings me to this, of course, it's relationship problems. Two nights ago, I, Ann of my own free will, left, the girl I love so that I could "find myself" whatever the fuck that means. Seriously...even as I write it, it sounds too chessy. Well I guess it's not really finding myself that I want to do. It's figuring out if a)she is the last girl i want to be with b) if i will ever be able to get my act together (school and work wise), and c) I don't know yet but I'm sure there is another thing I should be figuring out. So for the past like month or so nothing was coming together. I believe I hit depression to the max. If I wasn't crying, I was sleeping, and if I wasn't sleeping I was out with cortney, or alisha, or megan drinking my ass off. Yeah . I just wanna know what happenend. This is all I know. Before going to reno, i was good, i went to school ever day was getting decent grades, came home took care of the gurl, was walking the dog everyday, did homework the whole nine. After we got back it's like something popped in my brain. I didn't want to get up in the morning, I didn't really want to be around robin, I didn't want to go to class, I didn't want to do homework. I wanted to literally crawl into a hole and die off. I don't feel like i have any worth to robin, my friends or my family. So now I'm here. sitting in my mom's house. Staring at the computer screen. Wanted to change the shitty ass feelings inside and not knowing even the first step to make. All I've done in these last two days is sleep, watch tv, then sleep. Eating hasn't even been there really. Alisha and Megan took me out last night to have a couple beers and even there I didn't have the motivation to really drink. Nothing taste good any more. Nothing is fun anymore.

Robin wants to break up now. Shit.

Date:	2004-08-24 12:09
Subject:	school and work
Security:	Public
Mood:	anxious

I think losing my job was a sign from the universe that I should go to school and stop fucking around with taking time off from my education. Maybe it's far fetched and maybe I am completly wrong, but if I ever wanna get a college degree or for that matter ever want to go to grad school, i have to get on the ball and acutally do it. So yeah monday i begin. back to school, what a joy. but I am taking one class w/ my hunny so maybe that'll help (or not seeing what happened last time I shared a class with a g/f) but no matter, good grades and a part time job here I come!

Date:	2004-08-21 18:11
Subject:	Soon to be jobless...
Security:	Public
Mood:	annoyed
Music:	umm...i bet you can guess

So I knew that my department was being cut, and that there was this tiny possibilty that I would not get the new job offered to me, but being who I am I guess I just figured I would get cause I had the training and everything. hahaha. yeah I didn't get it but here's the really shitty part, they only gave me 9 days notice. They waited to the very last day that were alloted and told me, no actually they didn't tell me they read something...my boss is suck a little chicken shit at times. SO yeah now i'm without a job, and robin is going to support me for the rest of my life (little does she know) muwha. Whatever it was a dumb job anyways. Housewife here i come!

3 months tomorrow...oh wow

Date:	2004-08-14 13:47
Subject:	i feel so bad for her
Security:	Public
Mood:	sad

as much as I bitch about things today i realized how hard of summer this must of been for lilly. it just keeps going for her and i'm not sure how to make her feel better. not like she's mooping around or anything but yeah check this out.

couple weeks before she graduates from h.s. my dad leaves my mom, leaving my sister to take care of her (could've been there for that, what can i say i suck)

to get away from my lunatic mother she goes to spend some time with the extended fam, break from the world. then, she has to stay longer cause my uncle dies, which causes my mom to have to go down and be even lunatic-ier

when she gets back again to get away from stress and all that, we go to fb for what's suppose to be 4 days. denist calls and says they need to pull her wisdom teeth so we have to go back a day early.

now finally with a couple days left before she has to go to school, one of the retinas in my moms eye breaks or snaps or something, so my mom had to go into surgery today so she can like be able to see for the rest of her life, so now lilly's trip to school gets pushed back a day, and she's going with my dad (who she still has issues with of course)

poor poor lilly

that's all i have to say